It’s been 100 years or more since a summer intern at Google accidentally deleted everything on the internet. And yet, fortunately for us, the legend of Tim Tebow (NFL quarterback, Heisman Trophy Winner and Christian Missionary) persisted across the generations.
“He was a miracle worker.”
“He was a warrior’s warrior.”
“The way he out-dueled Redskins Quarterback Mark Sanchez in the 2014 Super Bowl was legendary!
And, of course, everybody knew that the secret to his success was ‘Tebowing.’ But absent record-keeping, nobody knew what exactly “Tebowing” was.
Until, of course, that fateful day when you picked up a Vampire romance at a garage sale. Bookmarking someone’s place at one of the steamy parts in the novel was a picture of the man, the myth, the legend… Tebowing!
So you did what anyone else in your shoes would have done: You got some VC money together and started up the internet again. Then you created a web site and posted the picture online as the hook for your self-help training program, The Art of Joyful Living Through Tebowing, in which you authoritatively revealed what made him so successful:
- Begin by dropping to your left knee to come into a low lunge.
- Place a pillow under that knee if it’s tender. Curl your back toes under for added support.
- Check your right knee: make sure it’s not flexed beyond your toes.
- Rest your right elbow on your front thigh.
- Dangle your left arm by your side or place it on a block, a large pillow or a football helmet.
- Round your upper back (feeling the scapula broaden and elevate) and let your forehead gently rest on your softly clenched right hand.
- Practicing this posture prepares you for end of game heroics, cultivates benevolence and gets you on the fast track to prosperity.
- Breathe in and breathe out gently: This is Tebowing.
Subsequent research unearthed additional movements (such as the Hike and the Cock Before You Throw) which nicely rounded out the material in your on-line and weekend seminars. Another favorite, the ShovelPass (in some texts called the Lateral) allowed for some intimate partnering work to develop between couples.
When opportunities to expand into new markets presented themselves, well, why deny prosperity, you pounced on them.
A doctor-friend observed that if the back knee was positioned a tad more posterior, Tebowing could be especially good for stretching the hip flexors and alleviating low back pain. A chiropractor remarked that she had been prescribing it to all of her headache patients. People with flat thoracic spines were swearing by Tebowing; it made them feel less rigid and more sexy. In no time, TebowingTherapeutics was launched and you were certifying specialists in fourteen languages and on three continents.
And when spas across the country began putting a beauty spin on Tebowing, ditching the football helmet and having their clients dangle their left hands in dishes of Palmolive and giving them scented, warm compresses for the back of their neck… well, you couldn’t hire enough accountants to keep track of all the money rolling in.
Copycatters sprung up everywhere too. Someone built cold rooms, claiming Tebowing was properly done at mountain top temperatures. Others profited off of ancillary products: organic hemp jerseys for the fellas and for the ladies, body-hugging Tebowing sportswear. There were specialty claw shoes designed to promote the feel of being grounded and compilations of Music for Tebowing also did quite well.
All things considered, everything was going great. Until the unthinkable happened. (Which, in retrospect, shouldn’t have been so unthinkable now that you think about it.)
Tim Tebow, the Tim Tebow, was still alive; he’d simply been off-radar doing missionary work. At 128, or 828, or however old he was, he was still as handsome and as humble as ever (though when he tossed the football around for old times sake, he seemed to have lost a little spin off his spiral). And, though he was as nice as nice could be about it, Tim had some bad news for you:
Tebowing wasn’t what you made it out to be. In fact, he didn’t even call what he did Tebowing; he referred to it as “taking a knee” (a lot less zippy than Tebowing). And apparently he didn’t give much thought to his alignment or to stretching his hip flexors.
It seemed the whole kneeling, forehead resting thing “came from within.” It wasn’t a “set play” or even “an audible” (the last-minute change in strategy that you were about to write about in your Tebowing for Small Businesses Series).
Most troubling, at least in terms of how it contradicted the marketing materials, was that Tebowing wasn’t a strategy for getting anything. In fact, he’d usually take a knee out of recognition that he had everything he ever could hope to need. He was saying, “Thanks.”
He invited you to take a knee with him. But you couldn’t. His form was crazy good – better than any of your Super Bowl Level Facilitators – and you couldn’t take your eyes off of him (or chase the thought that you wish you had your cell phone camera with you at that moment).
When he got up, you still couldn’t speak. You gave him your Coke. He smiled, took off his jersey, tossed it to you (“Here, kid!”) and then walked away.
Maybe you were standing there for minutes or for hours. At any rate, that’s where one of the interns found you, with red eyes and tear lines down your cheeks.
She had found a picture of a woman stretching sideways. There were some notes on it both in English and in some other language that none of us could read.
“Is this anything?” she wondered. “There’s a bunch more like them.”
A glow came across your face.
“We’ll be fine… we’re gonna be just fine.”
- Stand with your legs spread three to four feet apart, turning one foot out.
- Shift your hips sideways towards the left and laterally flex your torso right.
- Reach your right hand down towards the right thigh, shin, ankle or the floor.
- Reach your left arm skyward.
This pose will help strengthen your legs, eliminate backache and repair flat feet. With dedication it will help acidity, bronchitis, constipation, indigestion, and kidney problems. This is utthita trikonasana.